Bad news from Rome

Sorry, fellow papists; the jig is up.  The whole thing has been revealed to be a house of cards, in which lives a paper tiger, the both of which bask in the ersatz light of distant paper moon.  Pretty flimsy stuff, you’ll agree, and there’s an ill wind blowing.  And it’s about time, too:

ROME, AUGUST 10, 2010 (WYT). — A growing number of anonymous Vatican officials are confirming the shocking news that the Catholic Church will be shutting its doors worldwide within the next few weeks. The worldwide institution, allegedly founded by an obscure Jewish carpenter in the first century, will cease to exist completely, a move that could affect the lives of thousands, even millions, of people.

Although the reasons for this surprising action are many and complex, several insiders are pointing to Anne Rice’s recent Facebook announcement that she is leaving Christianity as a crucial factor. “The Pope realized, after reading Ms. Rice’s powerful statements online, that the game was up,” admitted one high-ranking Cardinal, who insists that although the news will likely upset many Catholics, most people should have seen it coming.

“Look, let’s be honest,” he says, sitting in his office, wearing a polo shirt and drinking a martini, “Rice called our bluff. For centuries we thought it was enough to say, ‘Believe in Christ. Come to Church. Be good. Do what you’re told.’ But when Rice wrote that she was remaining committed to Christ while no longer being part of Christianity…” He took a long drink and stared wistfully at a signed picture of Pope John Paul II on his wall. “…that was powerful. None of us here had ever heard of or considered such a thing.”

I put this question to you, dear readers: Once this has all finally concluded, what will you be doing with your free Sundays?  I think I’ll take up break-dancing.