Bad news from Rome

Sorry, fellow papists; the jig is up.  The whole thing has been revealed to be a house of cards, in which lives a paper tiger, the both of which bask in the ersatz light of distant paper moon.  Pretty flimsy stuff, you’ll agree, and there’s an ill wind blowing.  And it’s about time, too:

ROME, AUGUST 10, 2010 (WYT). — A growing number of anonymous Vatican officials are confirming the shocking news that the Catholic Church will be shutting its doors worldwide within the next few weeks. The worldwide institution, allegedly founded by an obscure Jewish carpenter in the first century, will cease to exist completely, a move that could affect the lives of thousands, even millions, of people.

Although the reasons for this surprising action are many and complex, several insiders are pointing to Anne Rice’s recent Facebook announcement that she is leaving Christianity as a crucial factor. “The Pope realized, after reading Ms. Rice’s powerful statements online, that the game was up,” admitted one high-ranking Cardinal, who insists that although the news will likely upset many Catholics, most people should have seen it coming.

“Look, let’s be honest,” he says, sitting in his office, wearing a polo shirt and drinking a martini, “Rice called our bluff. For centuries we thought it was enough to say, ‘Believe in Christ. Come to Church. Be good. Do what you’re told.’ But when Rice wrote that she was remaining committed to Christ while no longer being part of Christianity…” He took a long drink and stared wistfully at a signed picture of Pope John Paul II on his wall. “…that was powerful. None of us here had ever heard of or considered such a thing.”

I put this question to you, dear readers: Once this has all finally concluded, what will you be doing with your free Sundays?  I think I’ll take up break-dancing.

Today in War – August 12

It’s a busy day today, and especially so if you’re a medieval Turk or someone with the unenviable duty of having to fight one.

Snapshots, these; I’m not a masochist:

- August 12th, 1121: At the Battle of Didgori, forces under King David IV of Georgia broke the Seljuk invaders comprehensively, liberated the Georgian capital of Tbilisi, and ushered their nation into a period of prosperity and triumph.

- August 12th, 1480: Turks ride roughshod through the streets of the Italian city of Otranto, pillaging with impunity.  Some eight hundred Christian prisoners are executed for refusing to convert to Islam.  This outrageous massacre – coupled with the fall of Constantinople some three decades earlier – would serve as a catalyst for renewed European resistance to the Ottoman threat.

- August 12th, 1499: The beginning of the lengthy Battle of Zonchio, a ridiculous and basically inconsequential naval conflict near the site of the later (and infinitely more important) Battle of Lepanto.  A cautious, ill-managed Venetian fleet fought some skirmishes with a cautious, ill-managed Turkish fleet.  Significant mostly for the fact that this was apparently the first battle in the world in which ships used cannons against one another.  Otherwise, though, it’s pretty stupefying.

- August 12th, 1687: The Second Battle of Mohacs (in Hungary) saw the Ottoman troops of Sultan Mehmed IV utterly destroyed by those of the Holy Roman Emperor Leopold I.  It was as lopsided as something out of antiquity; the Europeans slaughtered some ten thousand of Turks while suffering something less than a thousand casualties for their own part.  The defeat was so devastating that Mehmed’s reign could not survive it.  He was swiftly replaced by his younger brother, Suleiman II, who would go on to achieve notable (though unglamourous) successes in his own right.

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Finally, it was also on this day in in 30 BC that Cleopatra, the last Pharaoh of Egypt, committed suicide alongside her lover, Marc Antony, in a liebestod the likes of which would seldom ever be equaled in the literature (or actual events) of the West.  Pretty bad news for all involved.

Unusual search patterns

The sudden spate of hits arriving from Google that have used my seldom-published full name (it’s hyphenated and longer) as the search term can only mean one thing: my students must have finally received their course schedules for the coming Fall.

See you soon, I guess.  Don’t be nervous.  I remember what it was like to be in your position.

Carrying on

I was all ready to make excuses, as usual, and beg off posting much of anything because of the irritations involved in recovering from the surgery, but as it happens I feel pretty much the same, apart for some dull pain in the jaw.  Posts will continue as usual.  Maybe not super long ones, but they’ll be there.